The Workplace Coach

As a manager you will have had occasions I’m sure where you knew you needed to have a chat with someone in your team but you just didn’t do it.  These situations can pop up at any time and often we might let the opportunity to address the issue slide right by.  Why do we do this?

There are any number of reasons but two of the big ones are:

1. We are worried about how the other person will react, and
2. We are not sure we have the skills to have the discussion.   

Let’s look at a simple everyday example. 

You’re running a team meeting and you are outlining a new business process that will improve productivity.  You notice that Alexandra is sitting towards the back of the room, with her arms crossed, and she seems to be rolling her eyes periodically at your comments.  You’re not sure whether anyone else has noticed but it’s starting to irritate you. 

Do you say something now? Do you save it for later?  Or do you just let it slide completely? 

It takes courage to call someone out in front of their peers.  I wouldn’t say you should never do this but I would only do it if there was an extreme behaviour that needed to be shut down immediately. The call out sends a strong message to the rest of the team around behavioural expectations, but it can also alienate Alexandra and damage your ongoing relationship with her.

I would recommend saving it for after the meeting, immediately after if possible.  “Thanks everyone for your participation and input, Alexandra if you could stick around for a few minutes I’ve got something I’d like to talk to you about.”

Now you might be worried about how Alexandra is going to react, and that’s okay.  She might deflect and try to point the finger elsewhere, she might deny it altogether, or she could get angry, upset or defensive.  How she reacts though is entirely up to her.  You cannot control her emotions, you can only control your own (and it’s important that you do).

So what is the purpose of the discussion?  Remember, her actions irritated you but your irritation is not going to be helpful here.  The outcome you are looking for is behavioural change.  You are not looking to pick a fight with Alexandra, you’re not looking to embarrass her or be condescending.  In fact quite the opposite, your intention here is to understand what her issue is and get her back on track and contributing to the team.

Here are three steps that will guide the conversation:

1. State the observed behaviour,
2. Share how you interpret the behaviour,
3. Ask for change.

“Alexandra, I noticed throughout the meeting that you were sitting with your arms crossed and it looked like you even rolled your eyes a couple of times.” [Pause for response]

“Now this behaviour suggests to me that maybe you disagreed with what I was saying and wanted to put an alternate proposal to the group, but for some reason didn’t feel comfortable speaking up.” [Pause for response]

“You need to know that I really value your input and in future if you have something to contribute I’d really like you to share your ideas with the group.  Is that something that you can agree to do going forward?” [Pause for response]  

You see the discussion is not about penalising or punishing Alexandra, instead it’s an opportunity to coach her towards improved behaviours and performance.  You have dealt with the issue without embarrassing Alexandra and you’ve given her permission to speak up next time. 

Let’s say you decided not to have the conversation at all, what do you think would happen? 

There’s a good chance Alexandra will leave the meeting and start talking to her teammates about the things she disagreed with regarding your proposal.  She could undermine you and might even convince some of them to her way of thinking.  This can cause disharmony in the team, potentially even active sabotage of the new process improvement. Also, if others also observed the behaviours and then saw you do nothing about it, they could also lose respect for you as the leader.

The key takeaways here are to address issues as soon as possible, to keep your emotions in check, and to approach the discussion in such a way as to build the relationship rather than damage it.  In most cases the other person will respect you for the way you handled it and will change their behaviour as you requested.

If the relationship is already damaged beyond repair then a different conversation is required, and we’d be happy to help you with that scenario too. You can always reach us at info@theworkplacecoach.com.au

The Workplace Coach